Change

I’ve been quiet for a while. There’s been so much change. Not just the seasons but in life.

We moved. Two simple words but a whole heap of emotions. Leaving our family home where Jude lived. I coped. I still have a longing to walk back there just to feel and smell it again but I know it will have changed.

I started a new job doing a maternity cover which meant leaving Carter two days a week. At the beginning with my mother-in-law and now at nursery 3 days. That went against so many of my motherly instincts.

Being in a new workplace explaining about my two children and one of them not being here whilst building my confidence again that I am capable in my job has been tricky.

It has felt like a lot of change. A lot to deal with mentally amongst other personal rollercoasters. All in a short space of time.

Life definitely feels like it’s changed recently. Carter is growing up so quickly and so wonderfully.

Change can be overwhelming but it can also be good.

I miss my old home. A lot.

There are things I don’t miss. I don’t miss the stress and guilt I felt of anytime I moved so much as a picture in the house the guilt I felt to Jude. As if in some way because I was changing something about how it was when he was alive I was being ‘unfaithful’ to him. That guilt and the reasoning was unhelpful. It made me feel like a traitor and a bad mum, like I was ok with potentially losing memories. I was scared of the memories disappearing by changing things. I don’t want to lose any minuscule memory I have about Poop.

That guilt was tiring emotionally, and although I still sometimes feel guilty for moving, I am pleased to be free of that constant guilt.

The move was hard. The parts I expected to be hard were less hard than I thought and then some unexpected moments were incredibly difficult. It seems like this is always the pattern, it’s the same with birthdays and anniversaries.

Our new house is bringing a lot of happiness to our family and I’m enjoying adding Jude’s pictures and sentimental items around the house.

When days have been tough my coping mechanism has been to focus on one day at a time. And on the hard days, breaking that down to just focusing on one hour of one day at a time.

Change is scary. Change hurts. Change can be manageable. Change can be dare I say it, good.

Poop you are the one change I’d never make. I wish I could change things so you were here. Missing you always xxxx

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