We did it – a happy visit

I’ve been really struggling with visiting Jude’s grave. Previously it had always been a lot of comfort to me – but that’s another post in itself.

Recently it’s been hard. I’ve always been quite particular about his grave. I don’t like things over his head area for example.

Since Carter has been coming with me my focus can’t be 100% on Jude as often Carter needs me – when he was little he’d wake and I’d feed him on the bench but that felt ‘wrong’ as it wasn’t where I liked to stand to be with Jude.

As Carter has got more mobile and more inquisitive he’s constantly wanted to get out of his pram and then when I let him out he wants to play with and touch Jude’s things. Most of all, he wants to climb on the head area and touch Jude’s picture.

The latter is of course incredibly sweet but I have found it so hard. I feel like I want to protect Jude’s grave but at the same time I understand that Carter is being curious and I don’t want to be stern with him as he is being a child, and anywhere else of course he’d get to play with windmills and fun objects. He’s too little to understand.

So yesterday we went to take Jude’s balloon, but we did things differently.

I had bought the balloon earlier with Carter and he had played with it for a long time and had got over the excitement of it.

I didn’t take the pram. I decided to let Carter walk through the graveyard. This was definitely going to go one way or the other. At first I thought it was going to be a disaster as he started to head straight for graves and I didn’t want him to touch anything or walk on any out of respect, so I swept him up and carried him most of the way.

When I got to the path down to Jude’s I put him down and he marched off with such intent. He knew exactly where he was going.

He headed straight down the path and headed for the grave at the end of rows that led to Jude’s grave. It belongs to a young girl and it’s a beautiful, beautiful grave. I held him back so he could see it and then said we are going to visit Jude and pointed. He then marched off to Jude’s grave.

Carter was brilliant. He played with the stones on Jude’s grave and although he picked up some of Jude’s things he was more careful than he’d been in the past when things got broken.
He wasn’t interested in the balloon anymore so I tied it to Jude’s grave.

We sat and blew some bubbles and listened to ‘Hey Jude’. Albeit with a few pauses whilst Carter grabbed my phone!

As we blew the bubbles in the sunshine in that moment, things felt better. I could see that I can take him and although it wasn’t stress free, I enjoyed being there again and I felt close to both of my boys. It’s as close as I’ll get to cuddling them up together.

It made me feel brighter about the future visiting Jude’s grave. I’m sure there will be new challenges – explaining Jude’s ‘garden’ to Carter is something I dread. The innocent but heartbreaking questions I’m sure he’ll ask. How does a mother answer them when it’s about a brother? Another little boy.

But for now this feels brighter, this feels manageable.

I love you Poop. Mummy xxxx

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