Today I had some more counselling at Shooting Stars chase hospice. Their bereavement counseling is incredible. Sadly the team talk to so many parents like me. I often wonder how someone can do that job – how strong they must be.
Today we spoke about some of my feelings towards people who behaved differently to how I expected them to when Jude was diagnosed and since his death.
We spoke about how much that has hurt, but how I can’t bring myself to say anything. Only twice since his death I feel I have managed to. Instead I freeze. That’s bothered me a lot.
Up until today I’ve been feeling like I’ve been disloyal to Jude. Just trying to carry on, not saying anything. But today we talked about how it’s ok to not to say anything, and how sometimes not saying something can be a powerful way to say ‘I’m not ok with how you behaved’.
And how sometimes not saying anything can be because you can’t deal with ‘that’ conversation, because right now ‘that’ conversation is more than you can handle.
And how sometimes not saying anything is ok because Jude would want you to keep the peace for everyone else.
But lastly that sometimes it’s ok to change your mind. You don’t have to not say anything forever. For now it just might be too much.
As we talked this through the counsellor pointed out to me that not only have I lost Jude, I’ve ‘lost’ more. I’ve lost some relationships or they’ve changed.
But more than that, I know I’ve lost more. I’ve lost the person I once was. I’m not the same. The latter isn’t a bad thing. I believe it’s making me a better mother to Carter than I would have been. Jude has given me so much.
As I think about these ‘loses’, it’s a lot to work through in your mind. I can only begin to process the loss of Jude. Sometimes even that doesn’t feel real. So for now I’m going to let myself off the hook. If I don’t say anything about how hurt or angry I am, I’m not being disloyal to you Jude. You’re my son. I would never be disloyal to you. You and Carter take priority. Always.
I love you Poop. Mummy xxxx