Bank holidays are for spending time as a family. We did that too. We gave Jude’s grave an overhaul.
Jude’s grave had been making me feel guilty and sad. I knew it was looking a mess and looking at the soil was making me sad.
I wanted to make it look better and although my husband had asked whether I wanted to get a permanent stone, I knew I didn’t. I’m nowhere near ready for that. So instead we opted for a ‘permanent temporary’ (!) option.
The day was emotionally very mixed. As the weather had been hot the ground was hard. This meant it was hard to dig there. Carter was tired and needed to nap so I pushed his pram around the graveyard hoping he’d fall asleep. As I looked back across at my husband digging hard ground I felt pain and guilt.
Pain that he was digging his son’s grave. His son’s grave. How much strength did he have? He was just doing it. How was this our reality? Other dads were in the park. He wasn’t.
I felt guilt. I had been the one who had wanted to do it that weekend. He was being supportive to me and was doing it – just as I’d asked. It was because I was ready for it to be done then. But clearly I had chosen the ‘wrong’ day.
As I walked back over I saw just how tougher job it was and I wondered if we should leave it for the day.
Just then the rain started… Not a small amount. It absolutely chucked it down.
We pushed Carter under the trees and tried to get in as much shelter as possible but it was literally like being stood in a shower. We laughed. There was nothing we could do but get drenched.
We stood trying not to wake Carter and trying to clear the water that was going to soak through his pram… I hadn’t brought the rain cover.
Eventually the rain stopped and my husband started to dig again. It turned out the rain was a complete blessing and the soil was now easier to lift.
We spent time re dressing Jude’s grave and although it wasn’t completely finished (it needed new lights and a balloon) it was a lot tidier.
What I hadn’t prepared myself for was the feeling that Jude’s grave no longer looked like his. I find that hard.
I’m sure in time I’ll get used to it. I’m just not very good at change.
I hope we did you proud Poop. I miss you. Always. Mummy xxxx