I’ve always been anxious. My school reports say that from when I was a school girl. I was a ‘worrier’.
Therefore I was always going to be an anxious mother. Having a child die has added to that.
Whilst Jude was alive we had access to a team of people who we could ring 24 hours a day to get medical advice. Since I’ve had Carter I’ve missed having that support.
Obviously Jude’s condition meant that situations could be life threatening and to an outsider you’d think why do you need such support for Carter. But the problem is once you’ve had a child die you know bad things happen.
I often worry how things might suddenly escalate. I go from thinking is that a temperature, to is that going to be something that kills him.
I’ve called 111 a handful of times because I’ve been genuinely concerned about Carter and I have been fortunate that pretty much every time they’ve been incredibly understanding. I’m always up front and say that I’m an anxious mother as my first son died.
It’s not because I expect special treatment but at least then the person on the other end of the phone will appreciate more about my anxiety level. I have asked questions before that may seem completely ridiculous (about how something could escalate) but that I need to ask because my mind will otherwise tell me that Carter may die and it was my fault as I didn’t do the right thing.
We all experience ‘mother’s guilt’ as we want to do our best by our children but I suppose I can’t face having mother’s guilt in relation to Carter’s health. Throughout Jude’s life I fiercely protected his health in terms of getting colds as that could have killed him, but I often have mother’s guilt since he died as to whether all my decisions were ‘right’.
Luckily my local doctor’s surgery is brilliant. All the doctors knew about Jude so on the whole they have been very understanding when I get anxious about Carter’s health. If I’ve wanted them to listen to his chest or discuss something they’ve generally been very kind.
I’ll never know how much of an anxious mother I would have been if Jude had been a healthy baby. I’d like to think I’d be a little more care free but who knows. Anyway, that’s not important. I was the luckiest mummy in the world to have Jude and if part of the deal is being a bit more anxious now and becoming a bit more familiar with 111, I’ll take that.
Miss you always Poop. Mummy xxxxx