Jude’s ‘things’ 

Since Jude died I’ve been adamant that I won’t give any future siblings his stuff, mainly his clothes and toys.

When I tell people this I often feel judged. Like I have to justify this. Like their brain is ticking over and that they have an opinion about whether this is the ‘right’ decision.

I’m probably over thinking this. Most of the time.

For the people who don’t understand this the only way I can explain it is that there are two reasons. The first quite simply that I don’t want anything of Jude’s damaged and if other children come to play I don’t want to be internally stressing that something that was Jude’s will get broken.

But actually the biggest reason is that  I have limited memories of Jude. And my brain isn’t doing the job I want it to. I want it to hang onto every detail of every memory. But it won’t. By having Jude’s things as only Jude’s – when I see them or touch them they trigger more of a memory for me. That is precious and I don’t want to dilute any memories.

When Carter was first born he was crying one night and we couldn’t settle him. In desperation I went and got Jude’s Ewan sheep that makes womb noises to see if that helped as Jude like that. I put it in Carter’s bednest and then he pooed, so I changed his nappy and didn’t move Ewan… It turns out Carter hadn’t finished pooing… he projectile pooed everywhere, including over Ewan. A situation that would ordinarily be funny but I was annoyed at myself as now when I look at Ewan that’s my first thought is thank god the poo didn’t stain.

I decided then that Carter and Jude need separate memories… for now.

Happy memories Poop. I love you, mummy xxxx

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