This Autumn seems like the most vivid Autumn I’ve ever experienced.
I notice the change of colours in the leaves like I’ve never before.
I read on another beareaved mother’s post that after losing a child you experience joy as you never have before. And that is true in a way for me. Although happiness will always be tinged with sadness, I now notice things about the world that I took for granted before. My eyes have been opened.
I look at the trees and wish Jude was here to look at them amazed. He loved watching trees but was never here for Autumn. The colours and the leaves falling would have mesmerised him. That makes me sad. But their beauty amazes me. Every tree and every leaf reminds me of Jude, and that comforts me. Their beauty reminds me of his beauty. His content peacefulness. Like his father.
As I walk looking at the trees I realise last year I was so preoccupied with my grief and waiting to find out if Carter would have SMA that I missed the beauty of Autumn. I missed the closeness it would give me to Jude whilst also highlighting that he wasn’t here.
I often wonder what Jude’s life would be like if he didn’t have SMA – what career he would have had. Maybe a tree surgeon like his Uncle Leigh? Or maybe something else but I’m sure he would have loved drawing those leafs and tracing the bark and kicking the leaves under some red wellies during Autumn. That I’ll never know. But thank you Poop for showing me the beauty of Autumn.