Where do I belong? 

Since having my second son, Carter, I’ve started doing many of the things I expected to do with my first son Jude who died.

Because Jude had SMA and a cold could have a knock on impact and result in his death we decided not to take him to any baby groups.

Before Jude was diagnosed and we thought he would have additional needs I knew life was set to be different for us. I started to then come to terms with the fact things weren’t to be how I expected.

Fast forward to now and I’m doing lots of the things with Carter that I had expected to do with Jude. Baby sensory, baby cafe, rhyme time, baby massage. When I go to those classes other mummies often ask questions which lead me to tell them about Jude. Often I’m greeted with a horrified face. Sometimes people don’t acknowledge what I’ve said, others shift uncomfortably and I feel like they want to run away from me. A few ask me questions and that’s nice. I’m proud of Jude and could talk about him all day, every day. But often people don’t even ask his name. That makes me sad.

Sometimes I bring Jude into conversation to avoid the later panicked look I get when they ask a question which leads me to tell them.

I had a couple of weeks that were tough. Just feeling like an outsider. I don’t have an NCT group of ready made friends this time. How could we go to NCT classes again… It would have scared the hell out of first time mums hearing our story and let’s face it, it isn’t cheap.

What I realised is that I’m part of a club. The club you just don’t want to be in. The people who understand the most are those other mummies I’ve made friends with online.

Saying that, a relation of mine has recently had a baby. She’s been extremely sweet in including me sometimes and that’s helped more than she would ever realise. I won’t ever get to experience the ‘club’ I was all set to be in, but I got something more precious and that was Jude and all the things he taught me about life.

Thank you Poop xxxx

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