The missing chat

When Jude was born our world changed – as any first time parents’ life does. Because of Jude’s condition we had to learn how to care for him medically as well as learning the art of being a mummy and a daddy.  Our tiny house was filled with items to help Jude – a suction […]

Mother’s guilt

I met with the counsellor again at Shooting Star Chase yesterday. I find the sessions incredibly helpful. We spoke about many things but one thing I struggle with a lot is feeling that I’m splitting my time unfairly between Jude and Carter. It’s a constant guilt. Before Carter was born I used to visit Jude’s […]

We did it – a happy visit

I’ve been really struggling with visiting Jude’s grave. Previously it had always been a lot of comfort to me – but that’s another post in itself. Recently it’s been hard. I’ve always been quite particular about his grave. I don’t like things over his head area for example. Since Carter has been coming with me […]

I lost more than Jude

Today I had some more counselling at Shooting Stars chase hospice. Their bereavement counseling is incredible. Sadly the team talk to so many parents like me. I often wonder how someone can do that job – how strong they must be. Today we spoke about some of my feelings towards people who behaved differently to […]

Jude’s new look

Bank holidays are for spending time as a family. We did that too. We gave Jude’s grave an overhaul. Jude’s grave had been making me feel guilty and sad. I knew it was looking a mess and looking at the soil was making me sad.   I wanted to make it look better and although my […]

111 – my new best friend

I’ve always been anxious. My school reports say that from when I was a school girl. I was a ‘worrier’. Therefore I was always going to be an anxious mother. Having a child die has added to that. Whilst Jude was alive we had access to a team of people who we could ring 24 […]

Jude’s ‘things’¬†

Since Jude died I’ve been adamant that I won’t give any future siblings his stuff, mainly his clothes and toys. When I tell people this I often feel judged. Like I have to justify this. Like their brain is ticking over and that they have an opinion about whether this is the ‘right’ decision. I’m […]

Poem

We’ve been invited to the Shooting Star Chase remembering day again this year and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s an emotional day but I find it helpful being around other parents who also are in the same position. This year they will have a session again where poems are read and music is […]

Passing on a gift

Today I recieved a delivery of a food shop and the man delivering the shop was cooing over Carter. He asked if he was my first and I said no, my second. My first son Jude died at just under 5 months. I asked if he had children. He laughed and told me that he […]

Autumn colours 

This Autumn seems like the most vivid Autumn I’ve ever experienced. I notice the change of colours in the leaves like I’ve never before. I read on another beareaved mother’s post that after losing a child you experience joy as you never have before. And that is true in a way for me. Although happiness […]