Moving home, not moving on

For a long time after Poop’s death we kept his bedroom as his room with his things mostly as they were when he died. Although he never slept in it when he was alive the hospice arranged for us to have a cool mattress so he could spend the time there between dying and the […]

The missing chat

When Jude was born our world changed – as any first time parents’ life does. Because of Jude’s condition we had to learn how to care for him medically as well as learning the art of being a mummy and a daddy.  Our tiny house was filled with items to help Jude – a suction […]

Mother’s guilt

I met with the counsellor again at Shooting Star Chase yesterday. I find the sessions incredibly helpful. We spoke about many things but one thing I struggle with a lot is feeling that I’m splitting my time unfairly between Jude and Carter. It’s a constant guilt. Before Carter was born I used to visit Jude’s […]

We did it – a happy visit

I’ve been really struggling with visiting Jude’s grave. Previously it had always been a lot of comfort to me – but that’s another post in itself. Recently it’s been hard. I’ve always been quite particular about his grave. I don’t like things over his head area for example. Since Carter has been coming with me […]

I lost more than Jude

Today I had some more counselling at Shooting Stars chase hospice. Their bereavement counseling is incredible. Sadly the team talk to so many parents like me. I often wonder how someone can do that job – how strong they must be. Today we spoke about some of my feelings towards people who behaved differently to […]

Jude’s new look

Bank holidays are for spending time as a family. We did that too. We gave Jude’s grave an overhaul. Jude’s grave had been making me feel guilty and sad. I knew it was looking a mess and looking at the soil was making me sad.   I wanted to make it look better and although my […]

111 – my new best friend

I’ve always been anxious. My school reports say that from when I was a school girl. I was a ‘worrier’. Therefore I was always going to be an anxious mother. Having a child die has added to that. Whilst Jude was alive we had access to a team of people who we could ring 24 […]

Jude’s ‘things’ 

Since Jude died I’ve been adamant that I won’t give any future siblings his stuff, mainly his clothes and toys. When I tell people this I often feel judged. Like I have to justify this. Like their brain is ticking over and that they have an opinion about whether this is the ‘right’ decision. I’m […]

Poem

We’ve been invited to the Shooting Star Chase remembering day again this year and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s an emotional day but I find it helpful being around other parents who also are in the same position. This year they will have a session again where poems are read and music is […]

Passing on a gift

Today I recieved a delivery of a food shop and the man delivering the shop was cooing over Carter. He asked if he was my first and I said no, my second. My first son Jude died at just under 5 months. I asked if he had children. He laughed and told me that he […]